


Even Us

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 03:59:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2837258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hogwarts+Dirkhal, what could go wrong with some twins trying to one up to each other while simultaneously trying to make out with each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ask-opposite-karkat](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ask-opposite-karkat).



> It's not perfect, but I hope you enjoy your present!

TT: Well that was easy.

TG: we almost DIED.

TG: half the team got knocked unconscious

TG: they won’t be able to walk for DAYS

TG: and the other half

TG: hell I don’t even KNOW where the other half is

TG: and we won by like what

TG: the thread of hair on a bald chemo patient that’s gone long pass their expiration date

TT: That one seems in poor taste.

TG: but hey if you want to call that easy then go right ahead

TG: just pop out that red “that was easy button” and slam it hard on your desk like it was a big jug of butter bear after a long work day.

TT: You seem a tad worn out brother.

TG: gee I wonder why

TT: I think I spot Dirk passed out on a roof top not too far from you.

TG: what’s this

TG: Hal Strider is for once showing concern for his twin brother

TG: I am shocked by this.

TT: It does appear he needs medical attention.

TT: Do something about that.

TG: what no that’s his problem

TT: It will take you less than 4.13 minutes to take him to someone who would be able to help him.

TG: shit man I don’t wanna go carrying him think my arm is broken.

TT: I thought you were a crow Davesprite, not a chicken.

TG: my ARM bro.

TT: Oh no it appears the cowardly lion is hiding his tail between his legs.

TG: oh no man

TG: you did not just pull that wizard of oz shit on me

TG: I will fucking pour water all over your elsa green ass

TT: Elsa, I think you mean [Elphaba](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elphaba), if you were referring to the green witch I assume you were speaking of, which like all of my assumptions, are 100% accurate, and if you are speaking of Elphaba I would like to take a second to discuss your inner relations and possibilites of relating to her character, as you may have felt like you were raised as the green child, but this synthesis of your brain can wait till later, as if the knockout was as bad as the Nepeta called it, Dirk’s health may  be border line, so it best be a good idea to move him before something serious sets in.

TG: im GOING mom god

TT: oh and we raked in buttload of cash today.

TG: hella

 

 

Grabbing your broom your carefully head up to Dirk, deciding the best way to carry your little brother back to the apartment  would be over the shoulder, even if this is getting weird looks from John.

“Dude that was the most brutal quidditch game ever.”

You throw the broom down onto him, effectively sending him to his feet before you swiftly jump down to join him.

“C’mon John it’s street rules, not my fault you can’t handle all these hot irons.”

“Davesprite I think I saw someone die!”

“If you didn’t want to come you could’ve stayed back at the apartment and just jerk off with Dave.”

“I signed up for you guys to take me to the train station, not play fucking gang quidditch, did you see the cat girl on the side lines, I think she was selling Betty Crocker brand illegal potions!”

“Oh that's Nepeta, she's like best bros with Dirk and Roxy, and plus if you weren't here, who else was gonna help you pick up some sweet threads for the new school year.”

“Someone who doesn’t play gang quidditch.”

“Geeze what's about with you and gangs John, gangs are insignificant and completely pointless, get it in your head that it’s called street quidditch.”

“If it's just street quidditch, then what was with them paying off cops?”

“Oh, people where illegally betting, you know, normal stuff.”

“Oh my god, wait who’s on your shoulder?”

“Dirk, probs gonna need some heavy medicine, should knock him out for a few days.”

“You're a terrible brother.”

 

 

\--Be the teen who’d been on heavy meds the last three days--

You wake up to the harsh light coming in through the window, putting you in a sort of daze.

You look around trying to make sense of everything, you can’t really remember that much, and when you try and lift yourself up from the bed you head knocks against something hard.

“Fucking hell Dirk.”

It seems you had head butted your twin brother who had been peering over your bed.

“How long have I been out?”

As much as you would love to discuss why Hal had been watching you sleep, there were other matters on hand that couldn’t just be ignored.

“Three days,” for a second you could’ve sworn you saw a flash ofconcern on his face, but it passed to quickly before you could be sure of what you saw, “which means we’re leaving today, so hopefully you didn’t suffer to much brain cell lost from your already dwindling supply of such and manage to get dressed and meet everyone down stairs in five minutes.”

 

 

“Look, sleeping beauty finally decides to join us.”

Davesprite seems to be smiling about his little statement, to bad Dave and John are to busy being passed out on the couch to notice it, and Hal and Bro being to busy not being here to enjoy it.

You swear Davesprite just loves to hear himself talk sometimes, but you would expect the eldest ravenclaw child, who is entering his seventh year, to be a little cocky.

But Dave, the passed out brother in the couch, seems just as cocky, and he’s only a sixth year, but he has the privilege of being a ‘gryffindor’ so that probably explains his cockiness.

“Did I miss anything while I was out?”

“Uhh,” he placed his hand to his chin looking up and thinking for a second, or making it appear like he was thinking when already knew what he was going to say, “let’s see, Hal won it big time, Bro walked in on Dave jerking off assaulted him with puppets and we went back to school shopping.”

You plop down on the couch using Dave as an armrest as you lean you head against the back of the couch to continue talking to your currently awake and present brother.

“Shit, forgot we kept procrastinating that, what loot did you grab me?”

“Don’t know, Hal was the one who bought everything for you,” upon seeing your head jump straight up he shakes his head and points to the door, “it’s in the smaller orange bag bro.”

Rushing over there with an ugh you start ranting, “You can not be serious, he probably sabotaged everything.”

He merely shrugs you off saying, “have some faith in him Dirk, he’s been hovering over your bed the last few days like a hawk, I'm pretty sure he was genuinely concerned about you.”

“Problem with your theory big bird, Hal doesn’t feel concerned about anyone, and is incapable of feeling sorry for anyone but himself.”

By now you had started rummaging through your bag, expecting torn up robes and century old text books, only to be pleasantly surprised by funding everything Hal had picked out for you to be in pristine condition. It looked as if Hal had gone an extra mile to make sure you got the best of the best.

And he was about to get up and find Hal to thank him, if had not opened his potion text book to find neatly written in it, “Hal’s Bitch <3”.

Quickly shuffling through the rest of his text books he found each one had the exact same thing written inside, and on the inside of his coat he found Hal had taken the time to embroider it in. You had to admit he at least paid attention to detail in his attempts to piss you off.

“Davesprite, do you know anything about Hal’s Bitch?” you yell over you shoulder as your finger traces over the sewn on name. 

“Dirk is there something going on that you would like to tell me?”

You shake your head as you begin to pack everything back into the small bag replying to him, “Not really, just punch Hal in the gut next time you see him."

Finishing packing your on bag, you begin to grow bored and decide to see what everyone has packed for the upcoming school year.

Davesprite bag seemed like the obvious choice, the bright blue raven claw colors worn out over the years, and once you open it you notice something a little strange.

“Yo Davesprite why do you own so many scarves.”

“Yo lil shit why are you going through my stuff?”

“Dude why the hell do you own a slytherin scarf you don’t even know anyone in slytherin.”

“I know you, now put that shit back before I bitch slap you into next week.”

“Geesh just trying to make conversation, hey did you know there’s condoms in Dave’s bag?”

“Yeah, I helped Bro put them in his and John’s bag to fuck with them.”

“Is the smuppets in them also to fuck with them?”

“Smuppets are a right of passage dude, you’ll understand when you’re a sixth year like Dave.”

“What a shame, I have to wait a whole year to earn my smuppets.”

“If you want some smuppets I can arrange some things.”

“Hell yes.”

And with the hell yes, Bro and Hal walk in carrying what looks like to be a big bucket of ice.

When you see them pour it on Dave and John you realize it actually is a big bucket of ice.

 

 

Then things happen, it passes as sort of a blur, you head out, somehow make it to the train station, and are able to board.

You know find yourself sitting next to Hal, who’s staring vacantly out the window.

“So Hal, I never got to thank you for picking up my books.”

Not breaking his gaze from the window he says, “It was no problem really.”

“Especially what you wrote in them.”

This seems to be enough for you to gain his regal attention as he turns to face you.

“I just thought they needed a personal touch,” you could almost see his red eyes gleam from behind his glasses when he says this, on the point of glasses you’ll have to make sure you get the forged doctor note from Davesprite that says you have sensitive eyes to avoid the problems presented last year were you got in a fist fight with a professor over the issue of indoor sunglasses.

“And you couldn’t think of any other way to do it?”

“Not a way that would remind you what you really are, my little bitch.”

And for a second you almost grab his wrist and push him to the wall, but your hand stops in mid air, and you bring it down, before getting up and ungracefully leave the car trying to get the thought out of your head.

 

 

\--Be the confused twin.--

Well Dirk totally just ran out of here, guess you pushed him to far.

Which wouldn’t be the first time but you've been trying to vut back on it, ever since that one time last year were he almost killed you.

“Hey guys you won’t believe all this food I just grabbed-” Davesprite walks back into the car with armloads of candy, but his face seems to change when he notices he is short one brother.

“What did you do to Dirk now?”

Your hand flies to your chest as you make a mocking noise at him, “Me, do something to Dirk, c’mon get you head in the game Davesprite.”

Davesprite decides to not dig any further and just shrugs it off, “well his lost, what do you want.”

“Give me a frog.”

 

 

\--Go back to the twin who’s flipping his shit--

You’re not flipping your shit, at least you do not appear that way on the outside, of course behind your thick ironic shell you might be internally losing it.

Luckily you’re able to find one of your friends sitting in car and slip in with her before you let your thoughts on the last time you pinned Hal against a wall catch up to you.

“Sup Jane,” you say to her as you close the door.

She laughs at this as you take your seat, “Oh not much, little worried for the new school year, hoping to not get another failing grade, you know.”

“That was just a fluke, I’m sure that would never happen again in a million years.”

“You say that now-” Jane eyes fly to the door, and so do yours, it seems Jane had been sitting with a friend, and being the socialite you are you offer a greeting to him.

“How you doing English.”

Jake's face seems a little red, a reason that takes you a second to figure out, he must still be upset about last year, things really didn’t end on a good note now that you think about it.

Jane on the other hand looks like she’s about to smack Jake, but instead just drags him down by the collar into the seat.

“Oh, um, greetings Strider.”

You really didn’t like how his eyes were glancing around like a caged animal, and decide it was about time you head back to Hal anyways.

“See you at school Jane,” and with a wave you head out, and after you close the door you hear her go off at Jake.

You make it back to the car just in time to hear Hal’s lecture on the intricate train supplies and routes of Hogwarts, about how Betty Crocker supplies all the food to Hogwarts, delivering it straight to the kitchen on a 'Betty Express', and how the company has a food storage under the Thames river, and apparently he had time to learn about all the different trains that pass thorugh Hogwarts, along with their routes, all as some sort of ironic and intricate bet he had had with Davesprite.

You just call him a nerd for it though.

He punches you for that.

Davesprite gives you candy.

All is good.

 

 

You get off at the station,  right behind Davesprite and Hal, of course when you turn your back on them for a second you hear a loud shriek and as soon as you turn your head back to them you see Davesprite gone and Hal with a small smirk on his face, the only thing astray about him being a few orange feathers on his shoulder.

“Oh my god Hal,” you groan.

“What?”

 

 

\--Fast-forward to being the evil plotting twin--

\--They’re both sort of evil need to be more specific--

\--Be the evil plotting red eyed twin--

Two weeks have passed already, somehow you and Dirk got a room together, you thought after last year they would know better by now, but it’s all to your advantage in the end so you won’t bring it up.

But time has passed, and a few months into the school year you're having your first transfiguration test, and to make matters worse, Dirk seems to be your superior in regards to transfiguration. You take this to mean he’s going to soar far above you in terms of score tomorrow.

Unless you take matters into your own hands.

 

TT: Davesprite I require your assistance on studying.

TG: hey look who was able to get the wifi going all by himself this year.

TG: proud of you little bro.

TT: Will you assist me?

TG: depends on the subject

TT: Transfiguration.

TG: psssh thats easy

TT: Everything is easy for you.

TT: So tomorrow, since you’re likely ditching class anyways, I would like to meet in the library and study.

TG: wow thanks for the trust

TT: Were you planning on going to class?

TG: I don’t really feel like helping you out

TT: Are you still upset about the thing that happened at the train station?

TG: what no

TG: I mean don’t ever do that again

TG: but I don’t really care

TT: good meet me at the library no later than eight am.

TG: how the hell does dirk manage to share a room with you

TT: he doesn’t

 

 

\--Be the slightly less plotting (still as evil) orange eyed twin--

Hal claimed to be sick this morning but as you lay on your side, with pillows covering both your ears, and listen to him loudly casting charms you doubt the truth to his sickness claims.

“Dude knock that off some of us are actually trying to sleep.”

"Excuse me your highness, we can’t all be as privileged as you and never get sick, sometimes us peasants need to makeup our schoolwork.”

“Well the prince requests you do it more quietly.”

He yells his spells even louder after that.

You don’t get a wink of sleep.

 

 

In the morning you’re as groggy as hell and are barely able to get out of bed, but you mean you pulled all-nighters before it’s no biggy it’s not like you have a test-

You give yourself a huge facepalm when you remember that you have a transfiguration test today, and while you’re good in the subject, that does that mean you’re ready to take the test at all.

You hastily get dressed and somehow find your way to class.

 

With your quill in hand, all you can do is stare blankly at the paper, this doesn’t even cover how badly you’re going to do when it comes time to apply the skill in front of the professor.

When you’re casting your spell you end up yawning in the middle of it, distracting your concentration enough to misfire and almost hit a student.

You get a failing grade.

You see Hal smirk in the back of the class.

Somehow, him, the kid who has been barely passing the last two weeks, flew with vibrant colors today.

As soon as the class is let out you find Hal and drag him into and empty corridor.

“You sure performed well for a guy who was performing charms all last night.”

He shrugs, that damn smirk still etched on his face, “Davesprite taught me some interesting techniques last night to help with studying, even an old study habit of his to get a full nights rest in five minutes.”

“You’re doing this on purpose, you’re sabotaging me.”

“Maybe I am.”

You finally get Hal's smirk to disappear as you pen him against the wall with a thud.

Hal glances down at your arm, and then looks back up to you, and before you have time to react he’s pulling back his arm and clobbers you right in the face.

You manage to prevent yourself from falling straight on your ass, only stumbling a few steps back, but by the time you regained your balance he’s got his hand on your shoulder and is now pressing you against the wall.

“I thought we already been through this shit Dirk.”

“I did too.”

“We can play this game, you just have to know I’m going to win.”

You begin to feel blood drip from your lip, and you notice Hal’s eyes fall onto your blood lip, and then back to you, he leans back and you wince expecting another hit, but instead he leans back in and kisses you on the lips.

And without another word he lets you go from his grip and turns around, leaving you confused as you fall to your knees, your still half-awake head pounding with blood as you try to make sense of what the fuck just happened.

 

TT: Davesprite.

TG: busy in class

TT: I’m having a problem.

TG: boohoo in class I don’t want the professor jacking my shades again

TG: Can’t you go bother like Rose’s little sister or something

TT: Hal kissed me.

TG: holy fucking shit

TG: listen after this newt class I got a break

TG: Ill find you then

TG: normal strider meeting spot sound good to you

TT: Yeah.

 

 

\--Be the older brother--

You're now Dave, and you have recently ran into Hal in the halls.

Which is weird, because unlike you, him and Dirk actually try to pass their classes, and passing classes usually mean that you don’t sneak out in the middle of them to do illegal shit where the professors never look.

Not that you do that, it’s just Lalonde always wants to try out new things on you.

He practically runs right into you, his cheeks flushed in red.

“Dude did you get in anther fight?”

You don’t really get a response, more of a mumble, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

So you just pat his head and take his head leading him to the kitchen corridor, “Well how about we go grab some snacks in the kitchen, and then maybe you’ll feel better.”

You run into one of his friends their, the one that’s like John except she has a nice set, and then you make a mental note never to say that out loud.

She has been baking cakes on her lunch period, and offers a slice to Hal, and they laugh and talk, and eventually he breaks from his trance, of course you here the bell chime and she darts off to her next class, waving him a goodbye and good luck.

You grab a slice of the left over cake and slide down next to him on the ground.

“Okay do you want to talk now?”

“Not really.”

“Are you having a girl problem.”

He turns his head away, not wanting to look you in the eye.

“Looks like I hit the cat’s eye huh?”

“What the hell that isn’t even a aphorism Dave, and it’s not a girl.”

“What? That cat thing is totally a saying, I heard some grownup say it once so it must be true, and-” you stop for a second finally processing the other part of what he just said, “Oh, ohhhhh, and who’s this lucky little man your with?”

You don’t think you’ve seen anyone this red before, except for maybe Karkat when John kissed him for the first time, and he just says, “I REALLY don’t wish to discuss it.”

Your roll your eyes at him crossing your arms and leaning your head against the wall, “well you can’t just bottle up all your emotions and just expect the relationship to sail on it’s on, just look at the mess Davesprite has caused, hell he's probably still causing a hell of a mess.”

“Are you just rambling to yourself or are you trying to make a point?”

“The POINT,” you say emphasizing your words as he finally decides to turn to look at you, “Is that you find someone to talk about it to, like why not Dirk, don’t you guys do literally everything together.”

“I really can’t talk to Dirk about it.”

“Did you guys get in another fight again, I thought you two learned not to do that shit, you almost got fucking expelled I can’t believe-”

“I kissed Dirk.”

He cuts you off with those words, and you’re just staring dumbfounded at him.

“And I think he liked it.”

You take a deep breath and place your head into your lap, and out of the corner of your eye you can see him curiously peering at you.

“Your taking this better than I thought you would.”

“How far,” is what you manage to say, lifting your head up to get a good look at him.

“How far, what?”

“How far are you going to take this Hal, you and Dirk have a history of going to extreme levels to do fucked up shit.”

“Until he tells me to stop.”

“Well as soon as he says stop, you better fucking stop or I swear I will end you.”

“What if I tell him to stop, and he doesn’t?”

“You’re the one initiating this, so you know very well when he’ll stop.”

“And I don’t know when to stop?”

“You do, which is the only reason why this is probably going to continue, just whatever you do don’t let Bro find out, he will do everything in his power to get the two of you apart, unless you talk him into it, but the only person that's ever been able to talk him into accepting weird shit is Davesprite, and I really don't feel like calculating how Davesprite is going to take all this on.

“Are you giving me permission?”

“Hal, I wouldn’t really call this-”

“Dave, are you giving me permission to go after Dirk?”

“Yes I’m giving you my full permission, just pull back on the mind games, okay?”

“No promises.”

You both sort of chuckle as you rub his hair, and you hope he doesn’t ruin things for the both of them, and you’re sort of happy Dirk is at least recouping the feelings, as you personally know 'fucked up love' like this is one of the worse things that can happen to a person.

\--Dirk: head back to your dorm--

Davesprite said some pretty emotional words to you, then you rapped on the roof a little, he asked how the quidditch tryouts went, helped you practice your patronus again, you've still unable to summon one, he jokes that you must just be a dark wizard with no good memories, you don't really laugh at his joke, and he tells you not to worry, just focus on making some good memories.

All was well, but you ended up missing the rest of your classes, when Davesprite asked about that you shrugged him off saying you’ll just make them up tomorrow.

And now you’re walking back to your dorm still trying to fix your hair from when he ruffled it earlier, you swear he did that on purpose, because he out of everyone knows how much you care about your hair.

Of course when you make it back to your common room, some thoughts begin to go through your head.

You know tomorrow you have Arithmancy quiz, a class that Hal seems to be be perfect in, he crunches the numbers like he was an automaton or something.

What a shame if he missed out on that.

What a shame.

 

You enter the dorm, to find your twin entrapped with an herbology text book, looking a little startled at your sudden entrance.

“You’re a little late Dirk, and you missed all of your classes, I told everyone you just had just caught something from me.”

You just smile at him, and without a sound flash step to the side of his bed, which startles him enough to drop his book.

“Dirk do you want to talk about anything, mmmmph,” you cut him of by placing you lips against his and nudging yourself into his bed.

You then quickly place your hands on his sides and begin moving his shirt off over his head, Hal seems to some caught off guard by this, and you love it.

You place your lips on his bare neck, and you swear you’ll never forgot the noise he made when you started sucking on his skin.

 

 

\--Hal wake up--

You wake up to find your hooker already gone, you guess they had another job they needed to get to.

You remember falling asleep in Dirk’s arm, and not much more after that, and you start to get ready, but while you grab your shirt you notice something amiss in your reflection.

You peer into the mirror against the wall, and your finger traces over all the marks on your neck.

“Damn Dirk,” you say, under your breath, there’s no way you can hide all these.

And if you go out with them, people will start asking questions, and it’s not hard to put two and two together, you mean you’re never seen with anyone besides Dirk, well there’s Roxy, but you really don’t feel like explaining what’s going on with you and Dirk to her.

You wait for the first bell to ring before you message Davesprite.

TT: Dave told me not to tell you.

TT: But things have come up and I need some guidance.

TT: And Dave isn’t picking up his phone.

TG: thats because I made the little asshole go to class today

TG: did you know hes failing charms

TG: fucking charms like how does he even do that

TG: also stop porking your brother you lil slut

TT: I’m not porking him.

TT: Yet.

TG: oh my god

TT: I still need help though.

TG: well talk about this in the library

TG: Come before the second bell

 

You swear you will hit Davesprite where the sun doesn't shine if he doesn’t stop laughing at you.

“God Hal I didn’t know you were such a slut.”

“Are you going to help me or just keep on mocking me?”

He ruffles you hair, god does anyone in this family respect the hair, and dives into his bag congaing all sorts of whimsical products, including a blue elixir that catches your eye, producing a scarf from it.

“Knew I was going to be needing this,” and he wraps it around your neck, and almost magically, maybe magically, with Davesprite there’s always magic in the things he does, it covers all the bruises on you neck.

“Thanks man,” you sort of just look at the scarf for a second when you notice something small embroidered on the side resting against your neck, and upon peering at it, you clearly read, “Dirk’s Bitch.”

Davesprite smirks as you pull off the scarf and point to it, “what the hell is this supposed to mean?”

“I was talking to Dirk yesterday, and said I was going to have to give you a gift tomorrow in the library, he asked to see it, and the rest is history.”

You reluctantly place the scarf back on, glaring at your brother from the corner of your eye.

“And look at that the class is only half over, you can head back.”

“What are you going to do for the rest of the period?”

“Head into the restricted area, learned banned spells, same old same old.”

You pick up one of the books from his bag, along with other things, and begin turning through the pages of the book, most of it seeming to be in runic.

“Taught Dave how to be Animagus yet?”

Davesprite snatches the book back replying, “Only in his dreams,” and with a wave, turns around and disappears into the row of books.

 

And you would’ve made it back in time for your class if you hadn’t encountered a wild Roxy, who had gotten lost in the castle again. You can’t really blame her though, she got really distracted and was fascinated by everything.

She breaks away from her lengthy dialogue with a portrait on the wall when she notices you passing by.

“Oh hey Dirk, what brings you by?”

“Hal actually,” four years you’ve known her, but she gets it right 3 out of 5 times, which is better than most of the people you know, so she gets a cookie for that, “and shouldn’t you be in Arithmancy right now?”

She looks to the ground, before thinking for a second and looking back up at you pointing an accusing finger, “shouldn’t YOU be in class too?”

You shrug at her, “had family business to take care, and do you need a guide back to class?”

She laughs as she grabs onto your arm, “lead the way my great stallion.”

“The horse nimbly takes the princess along the forest path to her castle.”

“A haunted forest!”

“A haunted forest with ghosts and kittens.”

“Kittens aren’t scary.”

“Aw yes, but these kittens turn into gruesome horrifying unspeakable three headed slug monsters when you try to hug them.”

“Ohhh, that does sound scary Hal, you better protect me from them.”

You managed to enter the class on a happy note, but your both too late to take the quiz, but luckily for you Roxy uses her silver tongue to talk the professor to let you two take it during your lunch breaks.

Of course as the bell rings, you turn around to scan the class, noticing Dirk was not to be found, you run over to Calliope to ask if she knew, and she said she saw him leave the dormitory earlier, to take the quiz during breakfast, and then Roxy jumps between you two and you back up to give them space, having a brother you needed to find.

You pace around the hallway of your next class, finally coming to a halt when you spot him exiting your transfiguration class.

He looks up and notices you, a smug look on his face as heads over to you, “nice scarf.”

“Thanks, it’s complete shit, like you.”

“Well this complete shit would like to show you something,” and practically shoves a piece of paper in your face.

You grab it from him, and you can see it’s the test from yesterday, except now he has a perfect score.

“So I told the teacher how ill I was yesterday, someone started a rumor about yesterday, spread everywhere, and I was able to retake the test would you believe that, oh and you’ll never guess who passed with flying colors in Arithmancy this morning.”

Your staring down at the paper, still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, but Dirk has already seemed to grow bored of you shrugging as he walks past you, saying , “Better luck next week.”

 

 

\--Be the teen NOT hopped up for the weekend--

“C’mon Dirk aren’t you just a little excited for the weekend, I mean we are going to Hogsmeade, think of all the shit we’re going to buy.”

“Well you may have forgotten, but I still remember we have mid-terms next week, and you’re going to take every chance you have to ruin it for me.”

“But that’s not till next week, so put down that book, get out of bed, and get moving, I’m taking you on a date.”

“A date.”

“Yes Dirk, a date, you know, that romantic shit couples do.”

“I’m well aware what a date is, but we can’t exactly go on one, it may shock you, but incest is frowned upon in our society.”

“Already one step ahead of you my dear brother, we’re just going to play the whole thing off as an ironic shindig, have you seen the weird things we’ve done in the past Dirk, no one will blink an eye.”

You look him in the eyes, and finally decide to fuck it, you’re going on a date.

 

“Do you really need to lean on my shoulder like that Hal?”

He is currently on you like a leech, hugging your arm in the way you usually see ‘love-struck’ couples do, as they take up way more room than they need on the side walk.

“It’s cold Dirk.”

You sort of laugh then, you guess you really haven’t been paying attention to the weather, and considering it’s Christmas soon you guess it would be pretty cold.

“Maybe you should’ve worn a less shitty scarf.”

He then snuggles closer into your arm an mumbles that it’s not that shitty, and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him like this before, and you know he’s planning something, but as much as you want to get one step ahead of him, you can’t help but just take a second to cherish this version of Hal.

“So where did you want to go for the date my lil Fabio?”

“Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop.”

“Isn’t that place really frilly, and pink?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go.”

 

Upon entering the building you get strange looks from a few couples, but most turn back to their respective couple as the two of you take your seat.

Hal looks around, seeming pleasantly surprised.

“I wasn’t actually expecting my plan to get his far, you’re easily persuadable Dirk.”

“I'm just following your ruse to see what your up to.”

“Look like you got some curiosity there Dirk, didn’t that kill the cat?”

“I feel like I should be concerned that you would make the parallel.”

“Oh, don’t be concerned Dirk, you’re the murderer here, not me.”

He laughs as a jolt of panic goes across your face, picking up the little scone you drop from your hand.

“Oh, silly Dirk,” he says as he reaches across the table, gently placing it in your mouth, “good girls are supposed to swallow.”

 

After that you get not-so-politely escorted out of the tea shop for starting a small food fight with Hal.

“You’re much too easy to mess with, you know that, right?” He says almost to himself, having gone back to his position of clinginess on your arm.

“Well at least I’m not a shadow.”

You think he glares at you for saying that, but you continue walking forward, not giving him the satisfaction of returning his gaze.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to be  shadow if you weren’t such an attention whore.”

“Whore? I’m not the one covered in hickeys right now.”

“You’re an awful bitch Dirk, I should really get a new one.”

“We’re can you find one for this price.”

“Damn you got me there,” he then looks over his shoulder and practically throws himself away from you, you look at him for a second about to ask what just happened when you here a voice from behind you.

“How my little brothers doing?”

Dave has apparently found you, and knowing him, is presumably going to torment you, and as  he places his arm over you shoulder you look over to Hal pleading for help, but he’s already gone.

“Don’t you have your own friends?”

“Yeah I was just going to meet up with them, you should join me, better than be stuck alone out int the cold”

You take a quick look around, and seeing Hal has abandoned you completely, you guess you have nothing better to do.

“So where are you taking me.”

He grabs your arm and pulls you along the path, “John’s prankster gambit has been falling pretty low as of lately, so I’m helping him pick some stuff up today.”

 

 

\--Be the guy who just ran off--

You feel a little bad for running off like that.

But you don’t really want Hal and Dirk getting any ideas of what’s going on, being a hypocrite is just your thing.

But while you quickly turn the corner you run into your little brother.

Literally run into him, he falls to the ground, with a loud ouch.

“Hey sorry there,” you offer him a hand up, he of course refuses, “weren’t you with Dirk.”

“Weren’t you with Dave?”

“I was just talking to him a little, but why did you follow me?”

“I wanted to know you took off when I saw you holding hands with Dave.”

 

\--Dirk: exit shop--

You wave goodbye to Dave, having pick upped what you needed, and left to go find your twin.

Who was surprisingly waiting outside the shop for you, albeit ensnared in what looked to be a lengthy conversation with Roxy.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Roxy looks over to you and rolls her eyes.

“Not too much, just asking Hal some things, I guess I’ll see you later then?”

Her question seemed to be directed to Hal smiling as he said, “of course,” and with a wink he took your arm and led you off until she was out of view.

“Where did you disappear to?” Your words come out harsher than you mean too, and Hal seems to be almost happy about that.

“I saw Davesprite, only got to say a few words to him, after that I went back to find you, but sadly you had abandoned me, so I decided to hang out with Roxy until you decided to show up again, but now that I know you’re so protective of me, I’ll be sure to stay closer to you.”

“Good, gotta keep my bitch in line,” and with a quick glance around, making sure you’re alone, you lift up his chin with a slight touch and bring your lips down.

He pushes you away after that, and without skipping a beat is already moving onto his next scheme.

“Hey Dirk, wanna do something fun?”

You cross your arms, “what’s your offer.”

His mention of ‘Curiosity kills the cat’ from earlier floats into your mind, but it’s too late to back out of this game now.

He pulls out a rather interesting vile from his backpack, appearing to be an eye catching blue elixer.

“What kind of potion is that?” and he chuckles at your question.

“Not one at all, Davesprite was messing around with time schematics the last few days, mainly on yeast, and was able to make some alcohol.”

“So it’s food dye and moon shine?”

“Possibly, haven’t actually tested it out yet.”

“And Davesprite just handed this over?”

“He was feeling bad for all the bruises, so are you going to try this or not?”

“Are you going to drink this with me?”

“Of course, do your trust issues require me to go first?”

“Yes.”

You see him take swig and hand you the bottle, you hesitantly look at the liquid before deciding to gulp it down, almost gagging on the taste.

“I’m going to regret this so much.”

And then you take another gulp. 

 

  

\--Dirk regret this so much--

It’s about 3am when you gain consciousness.

You find yourself back in your dorm room, ensnared in Hal’s arms.

You try to remember things from yesterday, but you can’t recall anything after the blue elixir.

And then you feel something flutter on your waist.

You jump out of bed, trying to keep your cool about it, and be quiet enough not to wake Hal.

Whatever was on you, it was freaking out as much as you were.

You head over to the mirror, lifting up your shirt to see black cursive writing against your skin.

At some point last night, Hal had convinced you to get a tattoo saying, “Hal’s Bitch” with appropriate little wings on the side to make it seem as if it was flying across your skin.

When your hand goes to cover it, it moves up to your collar bone, and if you try to cover it, it just goes to your wrist, then to the palm of your hand, just refusing to stay still.

Which might prove to be a problem.

 

TT: Davesprite.

TT: What do you know about tattoos?

TG: its like 3am go to sleep

TT: I got a tattoo you know.

TG: oh my fucking god

TT: Really you’re the one to blame, giving Hal alcohol like that.

TG: what are you talking about I never gave

TG: fuuuuuuck 

TG: he must have jacked it yesterday during the library

TT: The tattoo keep moving how do I make it stop doing that.

TG: okay first of just calm down it moves to your emotions

TG: if you’re just calm and collected they usually stay in one spot

TG: and if you keep practicing with it you should be able to control it at will

TT: How do you know this much anyways.

TG: lalonde got her girlfriends older sister to give her a nice set.

TT: Thanks I think it stopped moving.

TG: so you gonna tell me what it is

TT: Hell no.

TG: find then ill just go ask hal

TT: Please don’t.

TT: Oh great he’s waking up.

TT: He’s just smirking at me.

TG: hals bitch, really Dirk

TG: that’s so trashy

TG: I expected better of you

TT: Good bye.

 

\--Be the un-inked twin--

You’re Hal, on Thursday night, and with break just the day after tomorrow, everything seems perfect.

Of course there’s still Dirk, you were really expecting him to get back at you for the tattoo, but he hasn't made any moves. Yet.

You try to think about all the work you have tomorrow, but at least it’s the end of the mid-terms.

And it looks like Roxy is taking a break from her revisions to bother you.

TG: like y do we even have mid-terms I never read them in the books!!!

TT: Roxy you’ve been going to this school for four years now, and why you’re in a year later than everyone else, you should have gotten use to the testing schedule by now.

TG: yeah I guess ur right

TT: And shouldn’t you be studying.

TG: I AM.

TG: dual-tasking my mad skills right now

TG: So we still hanging out before the break tomorrow right?

TT: Of course.

TT: To quote you on occasion, “besties for life”.

TG: hahaha

TG: oh my god

TG: Oh oh

TG: did you know Janeys staying over break

TT: Not that surprised, she’ll just lock herself away in the kitchen the entire break.

TT: Help with the Feast.

TT: Have the time of her life probably.

TG: lol guess you’re right

TT: now go back to your revisions

TG: whatever nerd

 

You fall asleep not to long after that, Dirk still not back in the dorm, but that thought is lost in the world of dreams.

You think it’s early in the morning when you hear the creak of the door.

You sit up in the bed, and yawn, “Dirk it’s 4am, where the hell have you been?”

But Dirk is silent, and you know silent Dirk always mean something ill-advised is going to happen.

You are thrown off guard when he pens your arms down against the bed, just left helpless as he begins to undress you, moving his hands along the side of your body, until you’re left with only his bare skin pressing against yours, he presses his lips against your neck, and distracting you enough that you almost don't see him pull out something that glints in the little light given off in your room. 

You feel him yank your wrists to the top of the bead followed by the sudden feel of cold metal against your skin. 

Your brother had just handcuffed you to the bed.

And then with a kiss on the lips, he gets up and walks to the door.

“See you in eight hours.”

He’s out the door when you realize what he had just done, and you curse, “that mother fucker.”

 

You can’t really call for anyone in the dorm for help, well you just don’t want to have to explain it to them, and the only people you could really ask would be Caliborn, and hell no to that idea.

You suppose you could message Davesprite, and give him the password, but you could feel like you’re betraying your house if you did that, also you’re kind of sick of Davesprite talking about how fucking weird you and Dirk are.

But you just you could just message people until you got out.

TT: Dave are you awake.

TG: dude its like 8am just let me sleep

TT: Nah.

TG: whats your deal

TT: Well do you mean that rhetorically or is that poised as an actual question.

TT: Because if rhetorical, fuck you.

TT: Though on the off chance you’re being sincere,

TT: I’m currently handcuffed to my bed.

TG: hahaha

TG: well that explains it

TT: explains what?

TG: dirk bought a set of enchanted handcuffs yesterday from the joke shop

TG: you just have to tap them with your wand and they come off

TT: You’re joking.

TG: test it out for yourself.

And sure enough you're free'd, and as you look down to your wrists, you mutter under your breath, “That mother fucker.”

 

\--Be the Dirk--

The Dirk, you’re fairly sure that isn’t proper grammar, but you’re too busy laughing at Hal running down the hall to care.

“Only took you four and a half hours and one class period” it came out like a sneer, and you know what, you probably meant it to beone.

He leans over, panting as he places his knees on his chest, “I- really fucking- hate- you right now.”

You laugh at him, and wow he really sucks at running, you need to get him to work out more.

You lean down and kiss his head before dragging him to class.

“Come on the second bell is about ring.”

 

 

\--Be the exhausted teen--

You’re Hal and your more tired right now than you have been your entire life, the exams today knocked everything out of you, and the way the morning started didn’t really help. At all.

You're still pissed off at Dirk, not as much as missing the one test, as much for cock teasing you like that.

But that's ashes to ashes, and with the last test done, you’re now heading back to your dorm, planning on spending the rest of the day with Roxy, until you run into Dirk that is.

You see him talking to someone in the common room, and we’re just going to walk past him if he had not turned to you.

“Hey Hal, are you busy?

Dirk’s friend seems to have made themselves scarce, leaving the two of you alone, and you study his words carefully, it could be calculated that he was offering another move, but two in one day seemed to go against the little game you had started up.

“Just getting ready to leave tomorrow,” you shrug off his question, not sure how your actual plans would fly with him, as you both have been known to be hella possessive.

“Good,” and he takes your hand and leads you out the tower.

After a while you finally decide to speak up, and ask, “Dirk where the hell are we going?”

“I wanted to show you something.”

“Is this going to take all night?”

“Most likely.”

 

TT: Hey Roxy, I got some bad news.

TT: I think I may have to cancel our plans for tonight.

TG: aww man

TG: what’s gotcha you held up

TT: Dirk mainly.

TG: haha family stuff amiright

TT: That's one way to phrase it.

TG: guess I’ll see you over the break then!

TT: what?

TG: didn’t any1 tell you?

TG: My mom said we’re visiting you for the break!

TT: oh hella

TT: see you then I guess

TG: Yee!!!

 

“Who are you messaging?” Dirk asks, as he peaks his head out scouting the hallway before dashing to the end, stopping at a large window.

“Just Roxy,” you say looking behind, and for a second you could’ve sworn you saw your other brothers stepping through the halls, “did you see that?”

“See what,” Dirk accounts, pulling open the window.

“Nothing,” you shake your head and help him get out the window, “we’re not having a sword fight up there are we?”

Outside on the ledge he offers you his hand and you take it, “only if you want to.”

Carefully getting a good foot hold on the side of the building you both begin to climb to the top, “I’m good, too much work for me today you know?”

You almost slip a number of times before making it to the roof, it appears the sun has set hours before you two have arrived, leaving only a blanket of stars for them to look at.

“Dirk this is stupid.”

He responds by leaning on your shoulder and taking a deep sigh, “yeah.”

“Kiss me.”

He looks over to you, raising an eyebrow, “what?”

“Kissing, the process of placing your lips on mind, usually passionately, c’mon Dirk it isn’t your first time doing this.”

“Fine,” he leans to you pressing his lips, but this time you notice something different, maybe it’s being surrounded by the snow, or the stars, or maybe you beginning to feel something different.

When you finally break away from him, he grabs onto your head and pulls you back into another long kiss.

The two of you end up falling asleep on the roof and almost break your necks.

 

 

\--Get on the train--

You waiting at the station alongside Dave, waiting for your little brothers to get there, you have no idea where they could be, Hal messaged something about, “on roof dirk might have snapped his neck,” but you decide to just ignore the message.

“God where are they,” Dave moans as he leans against a metal post, “the train is going to be here any minute.”

“Probably making out,” and you love the way he squirms at that statement.

“Okay how the hell are we going to hide his from Bro.”

You wave off his concern, “All we have to do is not let them play tonsil hockey in front of him, all other stuff we can probably play off as some ironic joke.”

“What about the tattoo?”

“Shit.”

The implications of that, “shit,” never get thoroughly discussed because a running Dirk and trailing Hal dart into the middle of their conversation, and not a moment to soon, as it appears the train is a little ahead of schedule and pulls up as soon as they arrive.

 

You get in normal sized car together, though as soon as you enter Hal closes all the blinds.

“Hangover,” he says, “don’t want to deal with the light right now.”

Dave asks where the hell he got liquor, and he points to you, and Dave asks if he can have some and punch in him the arm.

Then things go quiet, it seems a little too quiet for the red-eyed evil twin, as he turns to look at Dirk, a sly smile on his face, Dirk jumps back saying “No,” and then Hal pounces on him. And they start making out.

You just let out a loud sigh, and you think Dave shrieked.

You feel somehow defeated by this and grab red-faced Dave leading him out, cautioning them to lock the door is they knew what’s good for them.

You end up taking Dave to an empty car, where the two of you sit and talk about how much you hate your little brothers.

 

 

\--Be the twin being bitch slap--

The twin being bitch slapped is too busy being bitch slapped for you to be them.

Try again.

 

 

\--Be the twin giving the bitch slap--

As soon as the door closes Hal pulls himself off you, apparently the only point to his little display was to try and make you lose your cool in front of your bros. And it worked.

So you bitch slap him.

And lunge after him, penning him down to the seat, “you don’t just go halfway and stop.”

He look up to you an responds, "But you did."

You decide to shut him up by vigorously making out with him.

 

 

\--Be the middle child--

You meet back up with the two demon spawns, noticing how weirdly they're dressed and there hair messed up, and then you think about it, you groan loudly.

You manage to get all the bags, interrupted though by a sighing Davesprite, causing you and Dirk to spin around and look at him, only to see him yell at Hal.

“You’re fucking limping aren’t you.”

“N-nno,” Hal sputters out, his face a scarlet red, probably unaware that he was doing so in the first place.

You hit Dirk on the back of the head, “just once I would like a normal holiday, is that to much to ask for.”

Davesprite ends up shaking his head and picking up Hal princess style in the end, to avoid giving Bro any idea apparently.

“Put me down.”

“No way, if Bro see’s you limping he’s going to start asking questions, and then he'll find out.”

“You and Dave know.”

Davesprite looks over to you, looks like he’s asking for you back-up, “just take his word for it Hal.”

Bro seems have been waiting for you, arms crossed as if he has been waiting quite awhile, he doesn’t really seem to care about Davesprite carrying Hal, and you probably would’ve have it made it home if he hadn’t commented on Dirk’s less than neat demeanor.

Dirk almost flinches when he asks, and sputters out an incomprehensible answer, causing Bro to step up close to him, asking what’s going on, and you could see Dirk’s mask breaking away. 

Then you see the flicker of something black around his collar bone.

Bro sees it too.

\--Be The Hal--

If you weren’t about to be grounded for life you would be all over that grammar, but being as Bro has just made Dirk unbutton his shirt revealing his tattoo, you have more important things on your mind.

He gives a sideways glance to you, currently residing princess style in Davesprite’s arms.

He tells Davesprite to drop you, he does so almost instinctively, leaving you to walk over to him, you just had to make sure you didn’t limp.

You manage to do pretty well, if you say so yourself, if only Bro hadn’t taken out his wand and cast a spell at you, something like Dicite mihi, whatever the hell that means, and you’re suddenly spilling your life story in front of him, not able to make yourself stop.

"Ever since last year and the problem with Dirk, I started feeling weird around him, and then not to long ago I tried to make him fail on a test, which in the end turned him on, and then he kissed me which led to sexual tension, and us trying to one up each other, like him giving me hickeys so I couldn’t go to class, and then I was still pissed at him, and got him drunk, Davesprite is making alchohol and selling it to minors by the way, making a real killing off of it, and Dirk was drunk and I was able to convince him to get a tattoo, and I asked him what he wanted and he was like, you’re name, I was like hell yeah, so he got a tatttoo with my name on it, and then we made out more, and he handcuffed me to the bed, and just left me there as a joke, and then we had a magical kiss on the roof, and he fucked me senseless on the train ride here, and now I’m standing in front of you saying everything that has happened to me-" 

With a wave of his wand you finally gain the ability back to close your mouth, and you see Dirk looking like he saw someone die over by Dave, and Bro’s load groan doesn’t seem to help his complexion.

“As soon as we get back to the apartment I’m putting an end to this.”

As much as you want to be concerned about your fate, and brother likely beating the shit out of both of you, you can’t help but feel a little bit of victory, over the dread scorched onto Dirk’s features.

 

As soon as Bro unlocks the door , he gives a slight twirl of his wand, and you and Dirk find yourself being dragged by the collars of your own shirts and thrown into the two opposing guest rooms, of which both doorways seem to  glow for a second, you guess ensuring the two of you are trapped in your respective rooms.

“How long are you leaving us in here?”

“Until I figure out what to do with you two.”

You shrug it off, he usually loses his temper about things, but he gets his cool back pretty quick, and if Dirk can get away with attempted murder, than this should be no biggy.

 

 

\--Be the upset twin--

You flick Hal off before going and collapsing on the bed.

You guess it was sort of nice you lived in a mansion kept inside what was supposed to be a two person apartment. You also swear Hal is enjoying this. About five minutes into your self-pitying your glasses light up with a message, from Hal.

TT: Wanna cyber?

 

 

\--Be the orange crow--

You can’t be the orange crow, because he’s too busy hiding in Dave’s bag.

You can be Dave though.

 

 

\--Be Dave--

Bro’s yelling seemed to have scared Davesprite, and right now he’s safely secured himself in your bag.

“Get the fuck out of there.”

He caws at you, pretty sure he’s mentally flicking you off too.

“Bro’s going to be back any second and he’s going to dual who’s ever closest to him, and I’m not doing this alone.”

He doesn’t seem very moved by you, so you just turn the bag upside down and dump everything out.

He then just goes around pecking at you.

“You’re supposed to be the mature one here you dick,” you rush over to the couch, reaching under it and grabbing your spare broom, waving it in the air trying to hit him, “act responsible for one time in your life, you fucking neon piece of shit.”

This chasing him with the broom goes on for a while, until Bro walks back, and as he does you hear a, “fuck you Hal!” in the distance, and you can’t help but wonder what they’re doing now.

Bro raises a finger to Davesprite, without using words you can tell he’s asking what the fuck is this, and you could’ve sworn Davesprite had told Bro.

“That’s my, new pet I got, Lalonde got it for me because of my weird affliction with birds you know,” finally the damn crow seemed to calm down enough to allow you to grab him, and for once he doesn’t try to fly away.

“Oh and Davesprite just left, couldn’t really handle yelling you know, said he’ll be back soon, hopefully”

That seemed to satisfy him enough, and placing your feathered bro on your shoulder you end up just talking to Bro, and do some cool raps, ending in him asking about if you knew about what was going on with Hal and Dirk, and you lie, and he jokes about you promising that you’re not in love with anyone in the family, and you laugh and lie again.

 

 

\--Day two into solitude, Dirk’s Log--

It’s been two days of constant flicking off Hal, and moping around the room.

Bro is already trying to figure out a way to get you two into separate dorms.

And you’re pretty sure Dave is making out with Davesprite right now.

 

It’s late into the after-noon, possible past supper time, you haven’t been keeping track of the hours, when you hear Bro say something about going to pick up the Lalonde’s, and was leaving Davesprite in charge.

Within five minutes Davesprite breaks down the barriers and hands you and Hal fake ID’s.

“What the fuck Davesprite,” you more or less state in a rhetorical question sort of way, as you turn over the card in your hand.

Turning around and heading out the door he gives a vague answer of, “we’re going clubbing Bitches.”

You give a skeptical look, but he was left in charge, who are you to argue.

You slide into a nice shirt and run out the door, Hal catching up to you, with Dave still deciding what to wear.

You know the place Davesprite is taking you, right down the street, and the only wizard friendly bar in all of Austin, if there's some wizard needing a drink that's where they go.

You walk alongside Hal, and at some point you find your hand slipped into his, and you feel like you're back at school looking around all the corners so no one catches you in the act.

 

You’re not sure how many shots you’ve had but you’ve had enough that Hal convinced you take off your pants.

Luckily Davesprite spotted you before anything drastic happened and you got thrown out, he makes sure this won't happen again by effectively cutting you off from any more liquor, and he then returned to awkwardly dancing with Dave.

“It’s almost pathetic isn’t it?” You’re not sure if Hal is talking to you, if he’s just hella smashed, but he continues to talk none the less, “how much they want each other.”

“I thought they had they already had each other?”

He laughs at you for saying such a thing, “as if,” he then pauses for a second taking out his wand, “hey watch this.”

You seem him mutter Mobilicorpus, and you see Dave's movements begin to change, as if carefully be pulled on strings. He takes Davesprite into his arms ands dips him, before stealing a kiss.

Both look surprised but then breakout in hard make out session, so you don’t think they really minded it at all.

“Nice, now if only you would do that for me.”

“I would-” he stops talking looking over your shoulder at something, you turn around to see what’s gotten him held up, and you see it’s a girl crying, wait no isn’t that Lalonde’s sister?

You both simultaneously get out of your seats and rush over to her.

“Rose,” Hal says it hesitantly placing his hand on her shoulder, “are you okay.”

She looks extremely worn out, like she just got out of a fight for her life. She's completely surrounded by empty bottles, and you wonder how many drinks she’s had.

“Roxy,” she stops, and looks down, as if it's almost painful for her to recall the memory, “I was supposed to be the one to take her to mett up with mom, but I got in a a fight, and I couldn't-" she cuts herself off, crossing her arms on the bar and laying her head down in them.

“Is she dead, Rose?”

“No, they just, took her, I tried to stop them” she raises her head now, and you notice how bruised she really looks, "I can't go to mom now, she'll hate me, I couldn't protect her."

“Where is she.”

“They ambushed us, the Crocker gang, I don't know where they took her, probably some torture place, they take lots of muggles there, probably thought she was a muggle," she stops her ramblings to just look longingly int glass and decides to chug the rest of it down.

You're still more or less in the dark about what's going on but Hal seems to be satisfied saying, “That’s enough,” and motions you over, where he tells you to put her arm over you shoulder, and helps guide you to your brothers where you then drop the girl in their lap, she doesn’t mind (you’re pretty sure she’s passed out at this point) and Hal is dragging you out the building in a mad dash.

 

 

\--Be the serious twin--

TT: Yo Davesprite sorry for interrupting your make-out session

TT: Please make sure she get’s back to her mom, and don’t let her near any more alcholhol, Dirk said she had 25 glasses.

TT: Also, fyi me and Dirk are going to fight a gang and free our friend from their evil clutches and probs won’t be back on time for Christmas.

TT: That’s all.

 

“Did you message Davesprite yet?”

You scoff at your twin, “of course, you messaged our supplier yet?”

He shows your phone, a little hard to read being as you are both running as fast as you possibly can to meet up with your normal supplier.

 

TT: *the fine stallion walks into the area*

TT: *he pauses before asking, not wanting to seem to desperate*

TT: Can I see the cat goddess tonight.

AC: :33< Depends, do you have the dough

TT: I have enough Galleons for you to take cat baths in, for weeks.

AC: :33< The cat goddess excepts your offer.

AC: :33< I suppose you want purrfur to meet at our normal location?

TT: If that would be okay with you, goddess.

AC: :33< h33h33

AC: :33< I shall s33 you soon.

 

“Dude your roleplays suck.”

He takes a mock offense to that placing his hand to his chest, “we can’t all be princely horses protecting princesses, now can we?”

“How far are we from 33rd street.”

“We are literally five seconds away from it,” he seems annoyed by your abruptness, but you know he’s just stressed out, and why wouldn't he be.

“Hey I think I see her over there.”

And sure enough, there she is, looking at her nails, having grown bored waiting for her prey.

You approach, a “sup,” seemed sufficient enough to grab her attention.

“What can I offurr you today?” She queries, emphasizing on the syllables in her words.

“Information.”

“Ohh, now that isn’t quite as cheap as some love potions, wouldn’t you rather have another set of those, I have a f33ling you already blew threw your last supply.”

“Do you want the galleons or not?”

She sighs and offers out her paw, you mean hand, to Dirk.

“Money furrst.”

Usually you would warn Dirk against this, but she’s been his friend for years, if you can call someone who sells you hard to come by and illegal potions a friend, and she has gained some Strider certified trust, a thing hard to come by now a days.

He dumps the bag in her hands, and you see her eyes glint in satisfaction.

“Now tell me where the Crocker gang takes people when the kidnap them, is and how to break inside.”

“You know I had heard they had a tendency to pick up stray muggles and test newly developed torture spells on, though rumor has it they have a tendency to pick up a few wizards by mistake sometimes, but in all the cases they end take them to their head quarter is back in London, right under the Thames River, actually not too far from the London Eye. To get in you'll need to go straight down from it on The Queens Walk, you’ll find 'Great British Fish and Chips', a restaurant exclusively serving Betty Crocker brand Fish, around back of the place you’ll find a basement cellar door, go in there and you’ll be taken to the underwater estate, it's set up like a train loading station, so you just run straightforward until you find the torture block, hope you wrote all that down boys.”

You’ll never truly understand this cat girl who was probably getting high on catnip all the time, but she sure was damn useful.

She turns away, before pausing and looking back, “oh, and take this for good luck,” she says tossing Dirk a worn out teddy bear with something engraved on it,  “and you better get Roxy back, I always liked that girl,” before disappearing into the darkness.

You take off your shades for the moment, looking stoic in the setting sun, slowly putting them back on,

“Looks like we’re going British.”

Dirk doesn’t respond, he just carefully turns over the bear in his hands, making sure not to touch the embodied part.

“So how the hell are we going to get to London, I mean we can use the floo powder back home, but we’ll lose a lot of time, Davesprite might know-”

Your ramblings are cut short as Dirk hold up the bear to you, “it says portkey on it.”

You look at him, then back to the bear, “I never actually seen one of those before, how do they work.”

“Not sure, but I the stitching looks enchanted on this thing, so I’m guessing we both just touch it at the same time.”

“Seems easy enough.”

“On three?”

“One, two,” and being the little bastard you are you reach for it at two making him freak out for it first which only leads to pain for the both of you.

 

 

\--Dirk: wake up--

Actually for once in your life, you’re the one awake, and are waiting for Hal to get on his feet.

The portkey did its job but you hit the concrete pretty hard and you know you’re going to have bruises in the morning.

“Ugggh,” you lighten up at the sound of Hal’s voice, and lovingly give him a painful kick on the side to get him moving, “God I think that broke my arm Dirk.”

“Wow sounds like someone’s a chicken.”

“My ARM bro.”

You give him a hand up making an ironic comment about cowardly lion or something, and take a look at your surroundings.

You look off, and not to far you see the giant ferris wheel thing you take to be the London Eye, and turning around you see you’re standing in front of a nice little Fish and Chips restaurant.

You start heading to the back, motioning Hal to follow, but he stands to be paused in thought.

“How are we supposed to fight them Dirk? We’re not in the colonies, we can’t just use magic whenever we want with no consequence.”

“Got that covered,” you say, pulling out something you’ve been saving for a rainy day.

“What the hell is that.”

“It’s a sword.”

“And it’s awesome.”

“A sword, albeit how awesome it is, will not help us if there are people who can instantly avada kadavra us in there.”

You roll your eyes at him, pointing your sword to the near by trash can, saying, “Levisioa," to it, allowing it to briefly float in the air before you break the spell, turning back, arms crossed to Hal.

“So you have sword that works as a wand,” he still gives you an untrusting look.

“And it’s use of magic is untraceable.”

“When were you feeling like telling me about this thing?”

“When it became relevant, and it looks like it just did.”

“Where did you even get that?”

You just keep on walking, until you find a big gray concrete box with a small handle on it, and finally give Hal an answer, saying something about finding it in Bro’s room in a box next to a weird gray hat.

You give the handle a hard pull, but it doesn’t seem to budge, Hal even comes over and try his luck, you both stare at it before Hal says to ‘kick it’.

“It’s probably magically sealed, kicking it would accomplish anything you dumbass.”

But he just ignores you and kicks it, several times, until he was interrupted by two people running out from the restaurant.

“What the hell are you kids doing?!”

You grab Hal’s arm, stepping back and yelling “Reducto,” to the the cement square, in flash blowing an opening in it, the two guys look in contusion at you and Hal, before reaching for their own wands, but you just push Hal into the newly created hole and jump in after him..

You guess the hole takes you a few meters below ground, you land with as loud thud on your feet, Hal of course lands on his back.

“Need some help there?”

He lifts himself up to hi knees, glaring at you, “just give me a hand.”

He jumps on his knees, but winces a little, you guess you grabbed his bad arm, you make a mental note to ask how he’s feeling later.

You place your arms on your waist, exclaiming, “So we made it in, and we already have two guys after us, have no idea where they are even keeping Roxy, and have no escape route, but besides that I think we’re doing good.”

He grabs your sword, wand, your sword-wand,  and points it up to where you just fell from yelling, "reparo," and solidifies the broken box you just entered, blocking the two stooges outside.

“One problem down then, any ways to fix the others Houdini.”

“Dirk you know that name is offensive as shit, and secondly yes I do, we just you use the portkey we used to get here.”

You actually forget about that thing, but still, “what about Roxy.”

He’s laughs at you, “No problem broskey, remember what the cat said, this place is built around a train track, actually it seems to be the loading station for the Betty Express,same one that goes to Hogwarts, had to learn about all those trains for a bet with Davesprite, and I’m guessing each room corresponds with a car on the train, so we just need to run straight through until we find the torture room and we got her.”

Impressed, you wave him forward, “well you seem to suddenly know everything about Betty Crocker’s evil hideout, so I'm thinking you should lead the way.”

Spinning the sword in his hand he smiles, man he really does have a power kink, “my pleasure Dirk.”

He’s right about the set up though, it’s very linear, one room after the other, all having a countdown showing the train leaving in thirty minutes, though mostly vacant, huh, evil mobsters give their workers Christmas off, would you believe that.

Though when you enter a room full of what looks to be cake supplies, you find it jammed pack with hundreds of people, loading up the train.

You look over to Hal, and give him a nod to go ahead and start.

He starts firing at them.

When they start firing at them, everything becomes a blur of hundreds of wands going off,with smoke coming off in all irections as blue and green lightening take up your field of vision, and you hear Hal shouting every 13 year old curse you could imagine, "Tentaclifors, Ducklifors, Locomotor Wibbly, Slugulus Eructo!”

You eventually make it to the other side of the room, Hal still busy holding off the wizards, the ones that are’t ducks are collapsed to the ground or have tentacle heads that is, you look back at him, he breaks away from casting for a second to yell at you to get a move on you goddamn idiot.

You feel sort of defenseless without a wand, but you know Hal has always been the one better in spells, especially when it comes to rapid fire, so you know leaving him with it would be the best idea.

 

 

\--Hal get angry at Dirk for his worst idea--

You send another guy falling to his knees before running after Dirk, god why did he have to leave you alone with the wand, he was the one who knew actual spells, here you were just spouting out anything that came to mind, which were just a bunch of thirteen year old spells you use to use to torment your twin.

And Dave.

Fuck Dave.

When you loom around seeing a clear shot for the door, you try to make it, but when you reach for the handle your blasted on your side sending you flying back into a case of flour.

You look up as some dweeb holds up there wand to you, glowing as they appear to be about to fire something to probably kill you.

C’mon think, it can end like this, you gotta go out outshining Dirk, not against a wall with a broken arm and a bloody face, hell what would Dirk do in this situation, well he would probably be getting as hard as hell and end up making out with the person trying to kill him.

Wait, that’s it.

You spring to your feet, surprising them long enough to lose their stance, and you swoop in and kiss them on the lips, they look dazed, and then you step back holding the sword to their face, promptly saying “duro,” to them enjoying the horror struck onto their face as you do it.

You look around, it seeming most of the people have scattered, meaning word is probably going to be spreading quickly that the base had been broken into, and that you and Dirk need to get out of here.

Of course the scream coming form the next room puts your thoughts on the back burner as you chase towards that voice.

 

 

\--Be the hottest person here--

You’re now Roxy Lalonde.

And your best friend Dirk looks like he just burned himself on some sort of potion and let out the loudest scream you ever heard, and you swear he’s more bothered by the sound he just made than whatever is burning away the skin on his arm.

“You never heard that,” he’s points at you for a moment as he says that, before finally getting around to looking at your ropes, taking a shard of glass from the bottle of the burning potion he just broke on himself, and begins work on sawing off the ropes.

“How did you even get here,” you sound like you’re back in class making small talk, it’s almost funny really.

He makes it through half the ropes, and pauses to swipe his brow, “your sister, she was at the wizard club in Austin, she said something about you being kidnapped, and I can’t have that, I still need to copy your apparition homework.”

You laugh at him, and try to continue, “you can always copy off of Hal you know.”

He finally cuts though the last of the rope and offers you an hand up, “like that asshole would let me copy off of him.”

Your arms are still pretty sore, but you still manage to punch him on the side while giving him a signature wink, “he’s not that bad you know.”

He smiles, crossing his arms like he in on some big secret or something, “oh, I know.”

You then both jump at surprising at the sound of a door slamming open, but you shoulders relax to see it’s only Hal.

Though Hal looks thoroughly beat up, his glasses look like they’re about to fall apart, his face and almost the rest of his body covered in blood, and it looks like his arm broken.

You start to run to him, but Dirk beats you to him, and Hal practically collapses in his arms, and Dirk takes Hal and places his arm over his shoulder as to let him lean on him.

Wow that was a lot of hims.

Man you’re really tired and just want to get out of this hell hole.

“How are we getting out of here?” you yell over to the two.

“That’s easy,” says Dirk, reaching down for his pocket, only for his eyes to go big as he pats around, and he turns to Hal, “I dropped the portkey.”

Hal does a face palm with his good arm and then scoffs at Dirk, “well where the hell did you last see it.”

“I remember having it back in the cake room.”

“Cake room,” you grab Dirk’s hand and begin to dash through the door, “why didn’t you tell me they had a cake room, this whole time I was kept in this weird potion room, and they had a cake room!”

You soon find yourself passing though a huge room full of cake mix and frosting and you swerve around to Dirk and Hal, asking if this indeed is the cake room.

Though you find the smile disappears from your face as you see the look of concern on both their faces, and Hal whispering something to Dirk.

You turn back around, and notice a teddy bear over on the ground and point it out to Dirk, asking if it where the port-y thing.

You guess it was, as Dirk takes Hal with him as he rushes over to get it.

Though you begin hear something, like the static of a radio being turned on, and not far from you feet, one lays abandoned, and slowly pick it up.

“Evacuation has been ordered, evacuation has been ordered, hostile conjurers are in the area and we are realeasing the strongest security levels return to work in an hour they will be terminated by then, message will now be repeated.”

You find the whole thing comical, why would wizards need walkie talkies, of course the whole situation loses it's comical value when you realize you’re about terminated.

“Guys,” you yell at them, but your find your voice lost as a chill sneaks up on your back, and you feel a voice you haven’t heard for years.

“Mom?” you ask as you turn around slowly.

 

\--Flip the fuck out--

Hal hands you the wand, “thanks for letting me use your piece of shit sword.”

You take it from him and almost kiss him, when you notice the room suddenly grow colder, and you look up to see Roxy suddenly surrounded by dementors.

You see her ask for her mom, looking around, you can’t tell if she’s even aware she’s surrounded yet, and you just sort of stop thinking for a second, and dash over to her, just in time to see her to fall to her knees.

You’re not sure what exactly happened but you hear Hal yelling something, you see the 9 feet ghost shits chasing you, and you just decide to chuck the portkey at Roxy like you're in the movie The Room and you’re just playing a friendly game of football.

It lands in her hands the embroidery briefly touching her hands, and she looks over to you, her eyes glowing a second before disappearing completely from view.

And the world goes back to normal pace, and you can hear Hal again, only this time you hear him scream.

You look around, your hand gripping the sword, and see him pushed against a wall, screaming “Dirk, dirk stop,” and you sort of just stare.

You flash step to him, throwing yourself between him and the dementor.

You hold up your wand, unwavering to the giant corpse like figure, trying to figure out the spell, Davesprite had tried to show it to you, but you always failed, you never had any memories good enough to conjure a patronus.

Hal hasn’t stopped screaming, and you know he’s about to pass out any seconds, and then the dementors will do their soul kissy thing, and hell you really don’t want a dead brother on your hands, but you can’t think of anything good in your life, except for maybe, the person you’re trying to save.

Except for Hal.

You think of kissing him in the hallway, you think of holding hands when the teachers look away, you think of how you love your how his name is spelled on your bare skin, you think of how the world stopped and you really fell in love as you kissed on the snow covered roof.

You yell it without being even aware, you’re not exactly sure what it was , because as soon as it started knocking down dementors you picked up Hal and carried him over to the train that was being loaded earlier, the timer above it counting down to seconds before launching off, and the area packed with chocolate seemed to fend off the dementors. Though upon entering the car, you hit your head on something hard and decide it’s a very good time to fall asleep, falling into a big sack of flour on the train, the last thing you is Hal looking over you.

 

 

You finally come to, and when you do you notice the train is moving, and you’re resting in Hal’s lap as he strokes your hair.

You look up to him and laugh, “that was easy.”

His eyes, his bare eyes, his glasses must have been lost when you got ambushed, look crossly down at you, “we almost died.”

You try to move, but your body pretty much vetoes that idea.

“Lucky we got on the train in time right?”

“Please Dirk, I was eyeing the train like a hawk, and like all of Betty Crocker brand trains it's outmated meaning it was going to leave no matter what, and since the feast is tomorrow, and well we're going to be delivered with the food supplies.”

“So this thing is taking us back to school?”

“Straight to the kitchen, where we will find one Jane Crocker prepping for the feast.”

“What happened to Roxy?”

“Dave texted me he found her on 33rd street and freaked out and punched him in the balls, while Davesprite laughed at him, but all ended well as she reunited in a heart warming embrace with her sister.”

“And you'll never guess who Davesprite talked into accepting us, don't waste your time, anyway he messaged me that Bro stopped freaking out when about us when Davesprite told him he was thinking about dropping out of school and eloping with Dave.”

“Well it looks like everyone is getting a happy ending.”

“Even us.”

Looking up to him, you let out a sigh, and with the knowledge that as soon as the two you good healed up you’re going to go back to destroying the shit out of each other while simultaneously making out with each other, say to him,

“Even us.”

 


End file.
